Perspective

Now that I'm officially done with breastfeeding and pumping, I decided to look back on the year. Those first 6 weeks were hell and there were definitely times I wanted to quit, especially after being stuck using a nipple shield and having a baby with "peanut butter tongue." In those days my breastfeeding goal was just to make it to the next feeding.

After Stasa and I got the hang of things (and weaned from the shield), I stretched my goal to 3 months with my "wouldn't it be great" goal of 1 year far in the future. I was lucky and only ended up with 1 mild case of mastitis, a handful of clogged ducts and 1 milk blister.

At first I was uncomfortable with nursing in public; I wouldn't even nurse in my own family's home unless I could be in a private room. I would duck into fitting rooms while shopping at the mall like a refugee. I finally lightened up and bought a Hooter Hider and ventured out for some public nursing sessions. The first time I sat in the mall with Stasa nursing under the cover, I thought how weird it was and worried that people were looking. I quickly got over that and became oblivious to the people around me. So what if they were looking? Looking at what? Becoming comfortable with nursing in public was so freeing. It meant being able to go wherever I wanted without having to pump first and pack a bunch of bottles.

I reached my 3 month goal upon my return to work and set my next goal for 6 months, still with my eye on that 1 year mark. Getting into the rhythm of pumping at work took some time; it was like starting all over again. I stiffened every time another mother walked into the Mother's Room while I was pumping. I bought another Hooter Hider to keep at the office so I could relax in the shared Mother's Room. I learned to schedule calendar appointments for my pumping sessions so people wouldn't try to meet with me when I needed to pump. After about a month of pumping in the Mother's Room, I became completely comfortable and stopped using the nursing cover.

Six months came and went and I set my eyes on my final goal: 1 year. I had a great schedule down; nurse in the morning, pump 3-4 times a day and then nurse 1-2 times in the evening. I even made it through continual growth spurts of her eating 40-42 oz of milk a day.

And then when Stasa was 11 months old, I woke up one morning and nursed her and then went about my day. I came back from running errands to nurse her after her nap and she flat out refused. And she kept refusing every couple of hours for a week, until I finally gave in to exclusively pumping.

The abrupt end to our nursing relationship was probably the most heartbreaking thing I've dealt with while being a parent. I felt rejected each time she pushed away from me and thought "she doesn't need me as much anymore." I knew I should be happy that my little girl was becoming more and more independent, but I still wanted to feel needed.

About a week later I realized what I missed most about not nursing was the one-on-one cuddle time I had with Stasa. I quickly remedied that by spending 10 minutes each night rocking with and singing to her.

I am more than happy to not be tied to my pump and rigid schedule anymore. I like the freedom that whole milk has given me. And I love my quiet time with Stasa each night.

And in case you were curious, in the past year I produced just about 80-100 GALLONS of breastmilk. Talk about being a cow.