Three, almost four, kids in and I can say with certainty that so far, four is the most difficult age in terms of defiance. I vaguely remember Stasa acting out and talking back at that age, but she also responded to discipline and really didn't like sitting in timeout. And I think I'm probably remembering wrong because Tom reminded me the other night how we used to have to constantly place her back in timeout just to get through a four minute period. It's funny how our brains hide away those memories. Even so, I do remember how Stasa could (and still can and does!) happily sit quietly and color or play and entertain herself.
Fast forward to the other night. Now, both girls share a room, not out of necessity, but out of our desire for them to share more and their desire to be together more often. To me this was a great win - I got back another closet for storage space (something we need more of in our house with no basement) and I got to redecorate a room for them, merging all of their things into one bright and colorful room. For the most part this arrangement has been great - the girls love being in the same room and almost always want to play together when they're at home. Where it falls apart is at bedtime. And really this is where the effing fours come in to play, too. Part of the problem starts with dinner. The girls take a LIFETIME to finish even a quarter of their plate of food and believe me, we're not giving them a whole hell of a lot to start with knowing that they're food wasters. The only food rule we have at the table is that they take at least two no thank you bites of everything before asking to be excused. And usually all three kids are great about trying everything (even if it means sitting there for several minutes repeating that they have to at least try it). Stasa must be going through a growth spurt because she has actually picked up the amount she's been eating, but Lexi? HA that kid will wait you out ALL FREAKING NIGHT. She's been on a food strike for what feels like forever. When she does eat it's a bite here and there and her mostly bothering everyone around her or taking breaks to go to the bathroom. And more often than I like Stasa feeds in to the insanity Lexi's whipping up and before we know it both girls are fooling around and it's creeping towards 7:00 PM, then 7:15 PM and they haven't even made a dent in their food. And just to be clear - I do not subscribe to the Clean Plate Club and don't encourage my kids to eat everything, only for them to eat their requested no thank you bites, which really is what? Six bites of food? A nothingburger.
We'll have been at the dinner table for what feels like forever and we're creeping in to bedtime territory, so we set a timer and tell them they have until the timer goes off to finish up. That usually works and we're able to clear the table and dishes and move upstairs to start bedtime. Only more often than not the playroom and their bedrooms look like a tornado has passed through, so before we can even begin bedtime we have to pause to have them clean up the giant mess. I'm sure we could leave it or just throw things to the side, but I want them to be responsible for the messes they make because this mama already picks up enough and if I have to clean my messes, they have to do the same.
Bedtime has been the same routine since they've been very little. Most nights they'll get a bath or quick hose down, get in pajamas, brush teeth and climb into bed for a story. We were letting them each choose a book, would read them both and then it was lights out.
And then all hell would break loose. The minute I sat down on the couch - literally the minute I sat down - one or both of the girls would come out for water or to announce that they had to go potty (as they passed their bathroom to make said announcement) or to ask for another hug. Or they'd be playing around and running around their room. Now, Stasa's always been what we call a bedtime rebel, but has gotten better with age. We have told them that we're okay with them talking while in bed, but that we don't want them running all around, but they do it anyway and find themselves sitting in timeout.
Listen, in our house you only wind up in timeout for three reasons: yelling, hitting (or any physical harm) and not listening. For yelling and hitting it's an automatic timeout. But with listening we give three warnings. Three chances to get your shit straight and do what we've asked. Stasa almost always gets it together by the second warning, but has found herself sitting in timeout for yelling or not listening - almost never for hitting (actually that's mostly a Tommy timeout).
Lexi though. Oof. This kid. I tease that I call her Lexifer because she's the second coming of Lucifer. She's a good kid, don't get me wrong - loving and sweet and kind. But she's also...aloof? I liken her to a cat. She doles out affection, but it's on her terms and when she's done, she's done. And try telling her to do X, Y or Z. She's NOT having it unless she feels like it. Which means she winds up sitting in timeout for quite a long time since she refuses to actually SIT in timeout. How do you make a child sit in timeout if they refuse? For us it means breathing deeply and picking her up and placing her back in timeout.
Every bedtime was getting to be exhausting. To the point where I was going to bed unhappy with my own behavior. See, I'm instinctively a yeller. But I don't want to be - neither of us do, because we certainly don't want our kids growing up in a yelling house or have them be so immune to it that they yell all the time, too. I decided to try something different. We've kept the same bedtime routine only now even if I get upset or the kids are acting up (like they were the other night when they lost their skirts, dresses, and leggings to a week-long timeout), I reset my attitude for each part of the routine. So the kids splashed me from head to toe in the bath and refused to get out? Okay, talk to them, give them a warning and move on. The moving on part is always the hardest for me, but it's been the most freeing. Now we end each night with everyone curled up in their own beds listening to a couple of chapters of a book before lights out. Right now we're reading The Wizard of Oz - an old old copy of the book where Dorothy wears silver slippers instead of ruby ones. Stasa listens quietly while Lexi tosses around a bit, but both remember everything we've read and wait patiently for a picture page.
When I walk downstairs after bedtime now I feel happy and at peace with our day, even if it was one where the kids dumped out all of the art supplies and threw their pillows and stuffed animals everywhere. At least we ended on a happy note as a family.
No comments:
Post a Comment