Back to life. Back to reality.

It's that time again. Back to work. I've made it through a week and have only shed a few tears on the first day. I'm not sure if I'm just used to this now or if I realize that it's inevitable. I have to work so I'm going to have to deal with leaving the baby at daycare.

I'd like to think that Tom and I have gotten this whole getting everyone ready in the morning thing down, but we're still struggling to get out of the door before 7:00 am. I know, I know, first week back, give it some time, yada yada yada. Each day we've been able to get out of the house a few minutes earlier than the day before. My work days have been pretty busy and when you add in all of the pumping I need to do, the days fly by. I'm so thankful our Mother's Room has tables and wifi access so I can keep working, otherwise I would be in the office until like 6:00 every day and that's just too late for me.

Tommy is doing great at daycare and is getting on a regular feeding schedule. Since I nurse on demand at home he really wasn't on any type of schedule, at least not one that I had noticed, but at daycare he eats three times a day at 9:00, noon, and 3:00 everyday. He's not yet in a good napping routine, but he did take a three hour nap the other day. And he seems to be more tired at the end of the day and has been falling asleep when the girls go to bed. The past two nights though he's decided to wake up a few times to eat and party. Not so cool.

I'm quickly getting used to getting myself ready each morning and have relied on a lot of skirts for work this week. I have some dresses that I love but can't wear because I have to pump throughout the day and it would be quite a hassle and a bit awkward in the pump room to get completely undressed to pump. I'm already used to the whole pumping routine, especially since this is my third time with the pumping at work thing. The biggest struggle I have with pumping at work is making sure I keep my pump time on my calendar so no one books meetings when I need to be pumping.

Tom and I have been pretty good about getting everything ready for the work day and I try to get the bottles labeled and daycare form filled out the night before. And for the most part our bed is always made and the dishes are done and we've pretty much stayed with our meal plan for dinners. Everything else has been let go, so we'll be spending part of the weekend cleaning the house and getting things in order.

For now I'm raising a glass to getting through my first week back.

Perspective

Now that I'm officially done with breastfeeding and pumping, I decided to look back on the year. Those first 6 weeks were hell and there were definitely times I wanted to quit, especially after being stuck using a nipple shield and having a baby with "peanut butter tongue." In those days my breastfeeding goal was just to make it to the next feeding.

After Stasa and I got the hang of things (and weaned from the shield), I stretched my goal to 3 months with my "wouldn't it be great" goal of 1 year far in the future. I was lucky and only ended up with 1 mild case of mastitis, a handful of clogged ducts and 1 milk blister.

At first I was uncomfortable with nursing in public; I wouldn't even nurse in my own family's home unless I could be in a private room. I would duck into fitting rooms while shopping at the mall like a refugee. I finally lightened up and bought a Hooter Hider and ventured out for some public nursing sessions. The first time I sat in the mall with Stasa nursing under the cover, I thought how weird it was and worried that people were looking. I quickly got over that and became oblivious to the people around me. So what if they were looking? Looking at what? Becoming comfortable with nursing in public was so freeing. It meant being able to go wherever I wanted without having to pump first and pack a bunch of bottles.

I reached my 3 month goal upon my return to work and set my next goal for 6 months, still with my eye on that 1 year mark. Getting into the rhythm of pumping at work took some time; it was like starting all over again. I stiffened every time another mother walked into the Mother's Room while I was pumping. I bought another Hooter Hider to keep at the office so I could relax in the shared Mother's Room. I learned to schedule calendar appointments for my pumping sessions so people wouldn't try to meet with me when I needed to pump. After about a month of pumping in the Mother's Room, I became completely comfortable and stopped using the nursing cover.

Six months came and went and I set my eyes on my final goal: 1 year. I had a great schedule down; nurse in the morning, pump 3-4 times a day and then nurse 1-2 times in the evening. I even made it through continual growth spurts of her eating 40-42 oz of milk a day.

And then when Stasa was 11 months old, I woke up one morning and nursed her and then went about my day. I came back from running errands to nurse her after her nap and she flat out refused. And she kept refusing every couple of hours for a week, until I finally gave in to exclusively pumping.

The abrupt end to our nursing relationship was probably the most heartbreaking thing I've dealt with while being a parent. I felt rejected each time she pushed away from me and thought "she doesn't need me as much anymore." I knew I should be happy that my little girl was becoming more and more independent, but I still wanted to feel needed.

About a week later I realized what I missed most about not nursing was the one-on-one cuddle time I had with Stasa. I quickly remedied that by spending 10 minutes each night rocking with and singing to her.

I am more than happy to not be tied to my pump and rigid schedule anymore. I like the freedom that whole milk has given me. And I love my quiet time with Stasa each night.

And in case you were curious, in the past year I produced just about 80-100 GALLONS of breastmilk. Talk about being a cow.